Grumpy and I were watching Midsummer Murders Sunday night and Grumpy made a comment that he had read in a paper that someone had claimed that there was no way that the lead policeman would still be in charge in reality as his county had the worst murder rate in England. I countered that the only thing keeping him in his job was probably the fact he had the best solved murder case rate in England as well. The other thing we wondered was why his wife still gets invited to anything. Without fail it seems that every trip, event, show or drama production she’s involved in we experience some kind of fatality! Surely that would put people off inviting her to things.
It also got us to thinking about plot holes to do with other fictional police men.
For example would anyone think inviting Jessica Fletcher, Columbo, Miss Maple or Poirot to a dinner party/event/ weekend in the country is a good idea? Unless you were desperate for one of your guests to get murdered. Also if you wanted to murder someone why wouldn’t you wait until the renowned detective/private eye left? Yes you might want the person dead but wouldn’t it be better to wait and maximize your chances of getting away with it.
With Poirot cases he always calls all the suspects together at the end and announces who did it. Why does the murderer always keep turning up to these things? Why not say “ I’ll be there in a second, just got to pop to the loo” and get out through the window in the loo and leg it while he’s still yammering away. He’ll never catch up.
So all this set my thinking off on an even greater tangent and made me wonder about even more things TV related. Which means that if I were ever in TV land;
If I was a policeman I would refuse to serve in Sun hill. When was the last time you saw a police officer transfer out of the station? An officer’s only way of leaving is to get killed!
If I was in an accident I would like to get picked up by the paramedics from Eastenders as their very quick. If I remember correctly their record is arriving within 20 seconds of someone making a phone call. (Unlike the half or hour or so it took for an ambulance to collect me when I was knocked off my bike)
If I committed a crime I would like it to be investigated by the police from Hollyoaks. They seem incapable of arresting the right person.
If I had to go to Hospital I would go to the one from House. Yes he’s a cranky, mean spirited doctor but he will cure me in the end, even if he should ignore his first two ideas to my illness as their always wrong.
I would not go to the hospital from Grey’s anatomy as they would probably forget me in between all their angst about relationships and I would not go to Holby as even if they do cure me the chances are I would be probably be killed by whatever disaster was about to befall their Accident apartment, be it a siege, crazed knifeman, bomb, petrol tanker running into the building, riot or alien invasion. I know one out of that list hasn’t happened I just can’t remember which one.
If I was murdered I would like the investigation to be handled by the team from NCIS. There’s a few people I would like Gibbs to either give withering put downs to, for example a Gibbs classic is “ The only reason your walking right now is because I didn’t hear about you until today” Failing that giving them a good smack round the back of the head would be good.
Failing Gibbs and co, I would prefer the CSI team from CSI Miami or CSI. ( not CSI New York).
If I was planning to commit a murder I would make sure that there was no famous policeman/crime writer/ doctor/ private detective in the house/party/event.
If there were I would take care of them as well just to be sure.
If I ever had to face off against an armed gang I would make sure it consists of movie style henchmen who are incapable to hitting a barn door at two paces. If said gang didn’t consist of movie style henchmen I would decide that discretion is the better part of valour and leave them for somebody else to deal with.
I would make sure that I for once would get the girl.
So what clichés or plot holes would you make use of if you were in TV land?