Monday, October 30, 2006

It’s really is paranoia if no ones out to get you

Well they say that things are sent to try us and that we’ve never given any test that we can’t overcome, etc, etc any other cliché you can think of, and so on. The trouble is knowing these things and accepting them is a whole other matter. Things are slowly but surely getting worse again and I don’t know if I can keep doing this anymore.

Well as I’m sure the ones of you who’ve visited before and can actually understand my inane ramblings we’ll probably guess in about, oh two seconds who’s involved in this and you will be right. To add to the fun Mum appears to have developed a healthy case of paranoia as she rang on Saturday night twice. The first was to check that 141 worked and her number wasn’t registered. She then called back again and wanted to check I was alone before asking me if grumpy had been driving around the town trying to find her house, because she still hasn’t told him where she lives, despite saying she will. So when I asked what she meant, she said she was checking as grumpy had driven past her just as was leaving her car and she was walking into her house. Which if she lived in a cul de sac might be suspicious, but her road is the same road as the entrance to our local co-op, grumpy was just going down to get some batteries and that was all. It was just a coincidence as he had been sleeping all afternoon, that was all. She asked again twice more before she seemed to accept it, and saying “ oh I must be, a bit paranoid”. So that’s where it was left.

So imagine my surprise when Grumpy mentioned the next day that Mum had told him that she had called and claimed it was to ask if he wanted to go for a drink and a talk about things. This absolutely left me flummoxed for a good few seconds and I had absolutely no idea what to say, and finally managed to stammer out an extremely lame sounding “dodging” of the question. So I have no idea why she told him she had rung, unless she’s suddenly decided that I would go and tell grumpy if she calls and what she says. Now I don’t know why she would think that, and quite frankly I’m rather annoyed over it. I don’t want to lie to either of them. There, it’s that simple and I wish that neither of them would put me in that situation yet mum has put me smack bang into the middle of that situation yet again! I’m fed up of having to continually watch what I say in case I screw up and say something I shouldn’t, I don’t know why she just can’t be straight with him as I’m sick to death of being in the middle and it feels like I’m loosing my mind.

It’s like no one feels grasps what it’s like to be being pulled in several different directions at once and trying desperately not to take one side over the others and at the end of the day everyone else in the family ‘has someone’ I they need to talk or at least get a hug. Who do I currently have to get a hug from when I need one, like now ? No one, nadda, zip, not a soul.

I’m still getting zero offers of help from church leaders, in fact I’m starting to worry that grumpy might of scared the home teachers off as we haven’t see them in weeks. I mentioned this frustration to T and apparently J’s response was, well they wouldn’t as it’s all a secret. What is????? What’s a darn secret??? Even if there was the slightest possibility that this was the reason, it would actually be a much situation as the church leaders had all failed to notice that Mum hadn’t come to church in over half a year! Don’t get me wrong though, the YSA are great, their fantastic, it’s me whose sorta the problem at the moment, I still have this deep lingering fear sometimes that maybe the concern isn’t genuine and that it’s just ‘pleasantries’ , now it’s stupid I know, really stupid, but I just can’t seem to shake it and I think that’s probably not helping things at the moment, as I all I can seem to do is laugh and tell people what’s going on in a very joking and matter of fact way, when all I desperately want to do more then anything is to allow myself to break down, to let it out and cry on some one’s shoulder

Everything’s coming to a head now and I don’t know how to do this. I just don’t know, but I hope I can use the small shred of smarts I have and figure it out before I go raving mad.

No comments: